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How to Deal With a Bully at Work: Surprising Strategies to Use Now

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How to deal with a bully at work Red Cape Revolution

Let’s be honest: if you have to deal with a bully at work, it’s exhausting.

Whether it’s a boss who constantly critiques, a colleague who dismisses your ideas, or even a direct report who undermines your leadership, the emotional labor it takes is real.

But here’s something we don’t talk about enough: most traditional advice for dealing with a bully—confronting, reporting, or avoiding—is awful.

The advice only addresses the surface. It doesn’t touch the deeper issue: the way the situation steals your energy, focus, and confidence.

In my work coaching leaders and writing Red Cape Rescue: Save Your Career Without Leaving Your Job, I’ve seen a different path forward. You can’t change the person, so you have to change what you control. And that leads to three somewhat surprising and unexpected strategies: exchange your frustration for empathy, choose different thoughts, and hold up the mirror.

These shifts don’t just help you survive—they put you back in control. Here’s how.

1. Exchange Your Frustration for Empathy

Frustration is the knee-jerk reaction when you need to deal with a bully at work. It feels personal because it is personal—you’re the one getting talked over in meetings, questioned in front of peers, or unfairly criticized.

frustrated when you deal with a bully at work

But here’s the truth I often share with my clients: frustration keeps you stuck.

It’s like pressing the gas pedal while your car’s in park. Nothing moves.

Instead, what if you exchanged your frustration for empathy?

I know—empathy for a bully sounds ridiculous. But hear me out. Bullies often act from a place of insecurity, fear, or overwhelm. They’re not thriving—they’re surviving. And survival mode makes people lash out, control, or diminish others.

You can imagine positive intent first, asking yourself:

  • What might be driving their behavior?
  • Is this really about me, or is it about their own struggles?
  • What might they be protecting by acting this way?

In Red Cape Rescue, I go into more depth about how to imagine positive intent–and what it can do to help reduce stress and improve communication. When you recognize that the bully’s behavior likely has more to do with their own self-doubt than your worth, it becomes less personal. And when it’s less personal, it’s less powerful.

That doesn’t mean you excuse the behavior. It means you approach it with curiosity instead of resentment. You’ll be surprised how that shift changes the energy in the room.

2. Choose Different Thoughts

One of the hardest truths I’ve had to share with leaders is this: the bully isn’t controlling you. Your thoughts about the bully are.

That might sting a little. But it’s actually good news, because it means you have more power than you think.

Our minds love to fill in the blanks when we feel threatened. “They’re out to get me.” “I’ll never succeed here.” “This is just how it is.” But these thoughts aren’t facts—they’re stories. And the stories we tell ourselves shape how we show up.

So, what if you chose different thoughts?

  • Instead of: “My boss keeps criticizing my work because they hate me.”
  • Try: “My boss seems stressed and hyper-focused on details right now. That doesn’t change my value.”

Or:

  • Instead of: “I’m powerless to stop this.”
  • Try: “I can’t control them, but I can control how I respond and what boundaries I set.”

Changing your story isn’t about ignoring reality—it’s about refusing to let someone else’s behavior define your mindset. As I often tell my clients, your thoughts are like the steering wheel of your career. If you’re stuck in the ditch, it’s time to grab the wheel and turn in a new direction.

Read my article “Watch Your Language: How to Talk to Yourself In Times of Crisis” here.

3. Hold Up the Mirror

When dealing with a bully, it’s easy to focus on what they’re doing wrong. But real change starts when you hold up the mirror and ask:

  • Where might I be unintentionally reinforcing this dynamic?
  • Am I avoiding a tough conversation because I fear conflict?
  • Am I giving them too much attention when the best reaction would be to not react?
  • Have I assumed I’m powerless when, in fact, I have options?

hold up the mirror to deal with a bully at work

One leader I coached had a colleague who constantly interrupted her in meetings. She hated it but didn’t say anything, fearing it would sound petty. After some coaching, she looked herself in the mirror and realized she’d always approached that person passively, with fear.

Instead, she tried a new approach the next time she was interrupted, calmly saying, “I’d like to finish my point, and then I’m happy to hear your thoughts.”

That one sentence shifted the power dynamic. It didn’t magically fix the relationship, but it sent a clear message: I expect respect, and I’m willing to ask for it.

You don’t have to wait for HR, a new job, or the bully to wake up and change. You can take back control—right now—by choosing how you show up.

You Have More Power Than You Think

Managing a bully isn’t about winning a power struggle. It’s about reclaiming your peace, focus, and confidence. When you exchange frustration for empathy, choose different thoughts, and hold up the mirror, you stop being a passive target and start leading from your own strengths.

And here’s the best part: this approach doesn’t just help with bullies. It helps with any challenging relationship—at work, at home, or anywhere in between.

If you need to deal with a bully at work, don’t wait for them to change. Start with what you can change. You might be surprised how quickly the situation shifts when you reclaim your power.

Learn how to lead without losing yourself. Explore what a private executive coaching program can do for you, your company, your career, and your life. Start here.