If the word “swagger” conjures up images of arrogant people bullying their way through your conference room, think again. There’s a new swagger in town, and it’s yours to take on right now, just as you are.
Meet my friend Leslie Ehm, and grab her book “Swagger: Unleash Everything You Are and Become Everything You Want.” It’s a fun, firepowered read, and in this interview, we talk more about what swagger really is today, what’s blocking our Swagger, and how you can break through the blocks and create more of it in your life.
We chatted after her book debuted as an Amazon bestseller, and later became both a Wall Street Journal and USA Today bestseller, too. If you’re ready for a dose of practical inspiration, watch our interview below.
(Note: due to a lighting malfunction, the quality of my video in this recording isn’t so hot. But the conversation is—enjoy!)
Confidence, Swagger & You: Meet Leslie Ehm
Support these ideas & the author by buying SWAGGER here.
(Note: Amazon links are affiliate links, which means if you buy here, Amazon puts a few cents in my account return. But please buy the book wherever you prefer.)
Find out more about Leslie Ehm here.
Here’s a transcript of our chat
It’s slightly edited for readability, but since we humans speak differently than we write, I’ll ask you to forgive errors of grammar or repetition.
Darcy:
I am so excited today to be here with Leslie Ehm from the new book Swagger: Unleash Everything You Are and Become Everything You Want. Leslie, hello, and thank you for being here at Red Cape Revolution.
Leslie:
Oh, it is my pleasure and a half, sister girl!
Darcy:
I think Leslie is another one of my superpower sisters. The new book Swagger is terrific. It’s become a best seller already. It’s really about connecting more deeply to who I really am and not trying to put on any kind of persona about who other people think that I should be or who I think other people think that I should be. I would love to hear a little from you as to how did the whole Swagger concept came about for you.
Leslie:
I was a traveling the world with my training company called Combustion and I was working in countless countries and companies and cultures and working with people at all levels and we were doing skills training. Now, Combustion has a very specific way of doing skills training. We’re a very soulful, very irreverent, real people-centric training company.
And it didn’t seem to matter the subject matter that we were training, whether it was storytelling, or presentation skills, communication, leadership, creativity—what I found was this fundamental human truth that kept surfacing itself over and over and over again. What I discovered was that people did not believe that they could reveal who they really were, and still find the success that they were dreaming up.
They didn’t believe at their core that they were good enough to get what they wanted in this world, and that they had to put on some external stuff, to shroud and to hide what was real about them, and to try and fake what they imagined the world wanted of them. And this is something I know to be fundamentally untrue.
It is not true, that the glossy, the shiny, the seemingly perfect, the “who are we kidding, there’s no such thing” that that is actually what works in this world and that’s what brings you success. And when I discovered that, I started to layer that even more deeply on top of everything that I was doing. When people would have these breakthrough moments, which happened a lot, because you know, it’s not a Combustion workshop unless someone has cried or peeing their pants laughing. And I would say, there it is, there, I see you, that’s your Swagger! There it is!
And everybody around, their colleagues and peers would be freaking out, oh my god, that was so much better, that was so amazing, I’ve never seen you like that, or I didn’t know you had that in you or all of these things. And you could see the reaction that the individuals had, by taking that risk just to come out and play a little bit and getting so much love and appreciation for it. And if I had the opportunity to work with them multiple times, which a lot of our programs do, I would just keep pulling them all out.
And they were doing this in groups together. They were getting the reinforcement and the validation. And I watched this transformation of people and I thought, okay, this is so magical. I have to clone myself. And then I realized I cannot clone myself. My next thought was, I want to write a book.
But I don’t just want to write a book that’s inspirational or motivational. I didn’t want to do that. I mean, no shade to anybody who’s written that kind of book we need those in the world to just wasn’t for me. I come from a training background. I’m a hardcore, I want to get stuff done. I want things to be actionable and doable.
So, I said, two pieces of criteria. One, I have to make this book sound just like me, like you’re in the room with me. And it has to be the best friend version of Leslie, who could hold your hand through the process, and take you through it step by step in practical, pragmatic, doable, actionable ways. That’s the whole Swagger story. And here we are today. Best Seller!
Darcy:
That’s great! And I love the fact that the book has very specific questions and exercises in it that you can go through. I know you also have a supporting workbook that you can get to just be able to go deep on it. But let’s go back a little bit because when I first heard the term “swagger,” it conjures up, some of the kind of arrogant, maybe, let’s say more, maybe masculine. Not to put any of our machismo friends downward.
Leslie:
Machismo, be it male or female
Darcy:
Yeah, exactly! Kind of that arrogance over confidence piece. But that’s not the swagger you’re talking about, you’re not talking about being like king of the hill on top of other people. Tell us more about what you really mean by finding your swagger, your unleashed swagger?
Leslie:
Yeah, that show-offy cocky in your face arrogant swagger. It’s old swagger, bad swagger.
I have redefined the word.
My swagger is the ability to manifest who you really are and hold on to it in the face of all of that psychological crap that’s going to come forth regardless of the situation or environment.
So, it means you know who you are, you show up with one face. You are not different regardless of who you’re with, whether you’re with your friends, you’re with your boss, your with your colleagues, your with your kids, you’re fundamentally the same person, you have one truth and you speak it. That is what swagger is.
Darcy:
It’s a whole lot easier to remember who you are when you just have one truth, as opposed to trying to play multiple roles, right?
Leslie:
No one can keep track of that stuff. Who was I in that meeting? Who was I when I met that client? Who was I with that man or that woman or that friend? You have to keep a spreadsheet.
Darcy:
I remember so distinctly, I had a friend in our 20s, who would date these guys. She tried to be a certain way. And then after three or four dates, they actually got to know her. And she’s kind of a different person, not this little precious waif. She’s a real woman. And then they didn’t like it. We have to show up who we are.
Leslie:
Listen, my mom, I had the best mother in the world. And I remember, I was about 14 years old. And it was back in the day. I don’t want to say just how far back, but back in the day. I was into the whole punk, new wave scene living in Jewish suburban Montreal. You can imagine the impact that I had on people as I walked around.
Besides my head was shaved. I had purple hair; it was kind of like a floppy mohawk. All that stuff. It was shocking for people. And I was pretty much this person when I was 14. You can imagine that combination of things was not giving me much 14 year old boy action. They were not interested at all.
And I remember coming home to my mother one day and crying to her and saying they don’t be like me like the other girls. Maybe I should just whatever. And she said “Leslie, you have to show up as exactly who you are from the first minute. Because if you pretend to be someone that you’re not, and a guy likes you, eventually he’s gonna figure out who you really are. And if he rejects you, then that’s something but if he just doesn’t like you to begin with, who cares? What’s the big deal?”
And she said, “Besides, if a guy is too dumb to recognize what an amazing girl you are, what would you want to go such a dumb guy for anyway?” Mom, mic drop. And you can extrapolate that out to your whole life.
If a boss is too dumb to recognize what an amazing contributor I am, why would I want to work with such a dumb boss, or a company that is too dumb. It’s about understanding what you have and knowing that you are everything. You have everything that you want. The problem you might be having is that you don’t know how to unleash it. It’s not that you will have to get more stuff, you just have to get your stuff out into the world through your SWAGGER blockers, that’s it!
Darcy:
That’s such a great point and this is something that we talk about on Red Cape Revolution all the time. Just that piece, you have to first be clear about who you are and to know what you want. Because being in a situation that’s not working for you and it may not be the whole situation, but if you’re not being honest about what it is you want or the fact that you want to maybe keep working remote or maybe you’re ready to get back into the office….. or the bigger things…..
Leslie:
Or maybe you’re struggling or like you’re not happy or whatever, whatever the issues are.
Darcy:
Right, the work that worked for you two years ago, you’ve grown past it, you’re not making the impact that you want to make. Whatever those issues are but being able to have better conversations about it. But you mentioned something, you talked about the Swagger blockers. Let’s talk about some of the stuff getting in the way and the thing that comes up a lot is just the fear, which I know is one of your big blockers. Tell me tell me a little bit about that.
Leslie:
I want you to imagine that the real you is right in the middle. It’s your core, your super center as it were and there’s all this stuff that stops our Swagger from getting out. Imagine it as a series of concentric rings that surround us that we have to navigate, negotiate through. Let’s start from the outside because it’s the closest to the world, but furthest away from who we really are. And that’s persona.
That’s the sense that we need to show up a certain way, walk, talk, dress, or act a certain way, in order to be liked, to be approved of, to be taken seriously, to be noticed, all of those things. All the stories we tell ourselves about how we’re supposed to assimilate, because we’re looking to everybody else to figure out how you should walk and talk and dress and act. And that is going to keep people from not being able to see who we really are. And we get stuck in that over time.
The next layer in is a little controversial one, it’s ambition. Now, don’t take me wrong, I’m all for ambition, I’m all for success. I’m all for going after what you want. But the problem with ambition is it has a way of changing us. If we’re too stuck in ambition, and we’re using it as a source of validation, then we tend to focus upwards. What’s the next rung of the ladder, if I can just get there, I’m going to be good to go, then I’m going to be good enough and all that kind of stuff.
And the more you focus up, the less you focus in, the less you focus to the left and right to your colleagues and your peers, which is incredibly important. And most importantly, you stop focusing on your followers. Because you cannot be a leader without followers, you cannot grow in your career without people being willing to lift you. So instead of getting trapped in that place of ambition, think about it in terms of being in your place of excellence.
Just be a badass at what you do, have generosity of spirit, bring other people along, share your wisdom and believe you me, you will rise.
Darcy:
That’s a pressure that I know people feel some time because in what’s called a traditional organization which a lot of our viewers are in, a traditional corporate organization that there is kind of the language and the noise that says Of course you want UP, even if even as the UP layers get more sandwiched and there really isn’t that much of an UP anymore. What you’re really saying is that it’s getting through the barrier, more deeper into yourself and how you contribute and what you really bring to the table, I call that your superpower space.
Leslie:
If your Swagger is getting blocked by ambition, it’s gonna change the way that you show up. It’s gonna reinforce all of that persona crap. It’s gonna make you be someone that you’re not, which makes you less accessible, which makes you less trustworthy, which makes you less connected with other people, all of the things that will help you to rise. And I think that if you are focusing on your place of excellence, you’re just going to keep getting better and better and better.
If at some point, the organization is not recognizing it, well, you have much more confidence, true confidence. If you do want to make a change. I’ve already been behaving like the leader that I aspire to be. I’ve been building my own skills. And if at some point, I feel like I’m powerless in this, I know I have choices to make. I’m not gonna sit around like a puppy waiting for someone to give me something or I’m not fighting with everyone to give me something. Both of those things are not good. That’s our second Swagger blocker. Now you have ambition which reinforces the need for persona.
Next layer is insecurity. We all know what that one is like. Insecurity is brutal. It’s the place where all the unknowns live. It’s the what ifs? What if I don’t show up a certain way? What if I don’t talk a certain way? What if I don’t do this? What if people don’t like me? What if people don’t see me? What if, what if what if. There are no answers for insecurity. It’s just your brain in the spin dryer.
Darcy:
The battle of the brain; always battle the brain.
Leslie:
Yeah, it just goes over and over and over again. We know the brain does not like uncertainty. The brain will choose the worst-case scenario, just to alleviate that sense of uncertainty. It has a way of… if you’re constantly asking all of these questions, am I good enough? Are people gonna like me? Am I important? Your brain will answer, maybe not. Because you know, you don’t want to get up every station, too big for your boots, or yes, maybe what everyone is saying is true. Just to settle your brain down. It’s torment. It’s torture.
And it’s the place where the imposter syndrome lives. Its insecurity is the worst thing ever. Insecurity reinforces ambition. That’s a reason a lot of people become that singularly focused upward, an ambition type because they’re trying to quiet the insecurity.
Darcy:
Once I am there, once I am the vice president, then I’m worthy, then I’m good enough. External proof!
Leslie:
By the way, the big secret is, it doesn’t work that way. The title does not alleviate insecurity. In fact, it just gets bigger because you get more freaked out that you’re gonna be found out as being something that you’re not. It’s just a really bad trap that you fall into.
The next layer in is fear. Because fear is the answer to the what ifs. What if I don’t walk and talk and behave and show up and do blah blah blah blah blah fear will say, bad things are going to happen. Really bad things!
Darcy:
I loved in the book, you use an example that I’ve used before “I’m going to end up like living under a bridge. I’m going to end up in a cardboard box.” It’s moving so quickly to that place of the extreme fear.
Leslie:
Or I’m going to be homeless on the street. When I work with clients, that’s usually when I say, okay, let’s talk through this thing that you’re afraid of. I play a game called And Then What? And I get them to do it moment by moment by moment in this scenario. I say, okay, explain to me where we are, what’s happening, what’s going on? They say, I’m going and doing this big presentation in front of the senior executive team. I say okay, then what happens? They say, I start my presentation, and it’s going okay. I say great and then what? They say, then I start to lose my way a little bit, and I stumble, and I fumble a few times. I say okay and then what? They say, then somebody looks at somebody else and I get freaked out. I say okay and then what? They say, I keep going, and they say stuff, and then people are looking at their phones etc. I say, yeah and if you carried that story through, oh no, they end up homeless on the street as a result of that one scenario.
Then I say, okay, good, great, thank you for your story, for this fairy tale. Now, I want you to track back to the point in that story where it ceased to be realistic. And they usually go well, where is it? Where is it? Where is it? I say it’s probably that they got the side eye. Yeah, that was probably the worst thing that can happen.
Darcy:
Someone pulls out their phone, someone sneezes.
Leslie:
That’s the worst thing that could happen because I think, you know, fear needs context, your brain needs context. And you need to ask yourself, what is really the worst thing that can happen? Nine times out of ten, it’s so tiny, that you just go there are ways to work through it. So now you got fear, reinforcing insecurity, reinforcing ambition, reinforcing persona.
Darcy:
No wonder so swagger is so hard. No wonder we need your book!
Leslie:
I know, it’s a mountain but needs to be climbed, let me tell you.
The last layer in is the big one. It’s the castle gates. It’s the proof. It’s the scar tissue. It’s pain. Because pain is memory. Pain is proof, pain is “Oh, I tried that one time, it did not go well. I do not want to put myself in that situation again.” That pain memory can be from when you were 10 years old. It doesn’t have to be a recent memory, it can be something that’s picked up weight and picked up steam over the years, and it’s completely gotten blown out of proportion. If you did a presentation in grade school, and your fly was down, or you had a like a bat in the cave, and everyone laughed at you and made fun of you for two weeks after. Do you think you’re going to feel all your bad self when you’re standing up in front of people? No, you’re not! You’ve got that memory is going to be very visceral and very real. We’re so afraid of pain. It’s like the worst thing, we will do anything to avoid pain.
Unfortunately, we got to work through it in order to bring our Swagger out into the world. You imagine that every time you want to speak your truth, every time you want to take a risk, any time you want to you want to be heard, your Swagger has to navigate and negotiate its way through all of those layers like the freakin’ American Ninja gauntlet. It gets the crap kicked out of it by each of those layers and then by some miracle, let’s say your truth does get out into the world, somebody says to you, “Oh my god, Darcy, the way you showed up in that meeting was incredible. What a contribution you made today, you’re amazing.”
And here’s what happens, that message now has to make its way back through all of those layers in order to reach the real you and fill you up. It sounds something like this: “Oh, I wonder if she just said that because she wanted to look good, to make herself look, maybe she’s just trying to get me on her side or something. What if she doesn’t mean it at all? What if she was actually being sarcastic? I don’t even know why I do this. Why do I do this? I do this every time I put myself out there and I get a beat down. Next time I’m just I’m gonna stay quiet because it’s just not worth it.”
Darcy:
Get out of my head Leslie! I’ve been there. Yeah, I’ve been there. I’m sure a lot of us have been there.
Leslie:
What we have to do is break them down, one by one by one. You can’t just take it on like a giant smorgasbord that you’re trying to ingest. You have to take it piece by piece by piece and start working on it systematically and practically. Then you can start to see the shifts, you’ll start to see that when you do speak your truth, it doesn’t get quite as snagged.
It might still get snagged and a little bit of fear. But then you realize, actually, the insecurity thing is starting to alleviate a little bit. I’m not second, third, fourth, guessing every time. Wow, look at that? Slowly but surely, you make all of those layers more porous, more fluid, and eventually, you, the real you get swelled up like crazy. Those layers will always be there. That’s the human condition. That’s why I recognize them as Swagger blockers’ human condition, but they start to kind of compress. You can really start to move in and out of them pretty painlessly. You want to have them there because they are a good checks and balance system. Otherwise, you’re a narcissist or an a-hole, you don’t want to do that.
Darcy:
Or then you’re the old Swagger right?
Leslie:
You got a little tiny bit of fear, not bad. A little tiny bit of insecurity, not bad. You want to check yourself, ambition, a little bit of: I’m getting where do I okay. Persona, a little bit, you need to know how to dial up and dial down, not to change ever, but raise the intensity or lower the intensity a little bit. It’s all very important. And that’s why I also identified the Swagger drivers. You got to know what’s going to bring it out into the world. Where those missiles, those arrows that you’re going to use to penetrate through those blockers?
Your three swagger drivers are truth, intention, and self-belief. We are nothing without our truth. How will people know who we are unless we speak and act our truth? Right?
Darcy:
I think that’s one of the things that sometimes challenging today. We sort of absorb the truth that what we think is supposed to be the truth around us. It’s what I call listening to the whispers. It’s when something’s feels like in conflict, but you can’t put your finger on it. I think that’s probably a truth. That’s a signal for truth. Is that my truth? You know, is that really what I believe?
Leslie:
And we know what our truth is. We know when we disagree. We know when we’re kind of fudging it a little bit to make other people happy. Or we’re not really saying anything, or we’re kind of agreeing, even though we want to disagree and go you’re an idiot. We know when that’s happening, but the thing about truth is that you can’t just run around with your hair on fire screaming, I must speak my truth and expect everybody to be for it. If only it worked that way. Actually, I’m glad it doesn’t work that way. There’d be a lot of people running around with no pants on screaming with their hair on fire. And that’s not good for anybody.
Darcy:
Nope, no pants and hair on fire. Yeah, it’s a bad look.
Leslie:
The thing about truth is that you got to get smart about speaking your truth. It’s not about being just unfiltered or uncensored. It’s about making sure that you have clarity on what your message is. But positioning in such a way that it’s good for the collective, it’s good for the other, your truth doesn’t have too just be good for you. It’s not about that. If it is, you might want to think about who’s going to have time for it. For example, let’s say…. We were talking about this earlier, if you’re in a role, and something is not working for you, you have conflict with your boss, you’re not utilized the way that you wish, you were feeling like you’re under recognized or whatever it is.
Instead of storming into your boss’s office and say, I’m not happy, this is not working for me, you should have given me a raise, you should have recognized me, you should have promoted me. You go in and you say, here’s the thing, I’m feeling like I have so much more to offer. I feel like I could be contributing so much more to the success of the team, which is good for both of us. I want to do that; I want to be able to show up as my full self. I thought I would sit down with you and maybe share some of the things that I felt were holding me back. Maybe you could help me with that? I know that’s what you want for the team too. Are you open to that?
Who’s gonna say no to that? Right?
They’ll go, oh, first of all, you’re not on the attack. You’re saying let’s collaborate on this. You’re positioning it as something you want to do not something that they have to do. And all of a sudden you have their ear. Then you talk freely, and you listen to what they have to say. You make it easy for them to hear your truth.
You’ve got to consider with your truth, when you say it. Timing is everything, maybe not right in the middle of a meeting with 12 people listening. Maybe that’s not the best time just say it. You’ve got to think about where, maybe not in front of this person or with that person or whatever. You have got to think about to whom? Who is going to hear it best, and who is going to be able to take the best action on it?
The other part is the Why? That’s the other swagger driver: intention. Why are you saying it? If you’re saying it, just to make yourself bigger, and somebody else smaller, or to take somebody else’s sun away from them because you’re angry and you want to lash out, you want to get back at someone or all of those things, it can go flat.
Darcy:
That’s such hard work sometimes, you have to get to what is the intention here? Also, was it someone else’s intention to assume positive intent? If something takes me off, was someone doing it for the bigger good? Why am I do what I’m doing? If you call the collective, is there a bigger reason beyond me to for this truth for that occasion?
Leslie:
If you were unclear about someone’s intention, go ask them. But ask them without any attack. Say hey, so that was a big move that you made in that situation? This is like a lot of changes. Can you help me understand what the bigger vision is? What the intention is, because I want to be able to get on board but I’m struggling a little bit. Help me to understand what the intention of so I can help.
Darcy:
“Help me understand”— my magic words!
Leslie:
All of that kind of stuff. Then you go, okay, whatever. It’s the same thing that if somebody comes for you, they’re accusing you of something or trying to get you to pick up baggage off the baggage carousel that is not yours, which people always do to each other (which we’d never do in the airport) but we do in life all the time.
You can stand your ground, say my intention was….. Explain your intention and don’t apologize. Don’t apologize! That is a power play. You do not need to apologize for your intention. I’m sorry, it was not my intention to hurt you. No, No, No!
You say my intention was to help you see something that I thought would be a benefit. If my intention didn’t land, then I want to make it clear as to what I was trying to do. Not I’m sorry, cause you didn’t do anything wrong.
Darcy:
Yeah, I know, I think we can be sorry that something unintended had an impact. But it’s like….
Leslie:
No! You can’t!
Darcy:
You can’t say I can’t apologize for the right intention.
Leslie:
Even then, why should I be sorry that something unintended happen? I didn’t make it.
Darcy:
I can’t control you. Right.
Leslie:
I can’t control you. Also, everybody’s level of tolerance–I hate that word tolerance, because it simply implies to tolerate–but tolerance, or everyone’s threshold for whatever their stuff is, is different.
Whose level am I supposed to work to exactly? Am I supposed to go lowest common denominator? I stand for nothing; I count for nothing. Now I’m apologizing, left, right and center for everybody else’s crap? Oh, no, no, no. YOU OWN YOUR LEVEL!
For example, I swear, I’m a swearer! I understand that there are places and situations where I shouldn’t be swearing. I check first, I do all of that stuff. But if someone ends up deeply offended by the fact that I’ve used a curse word in my passion and excitement to express how amazing something was, or whatever it is, and they are deeply offended. Whoa, that’s so on them! Their ears are not going to melt off. You know what I mean? Like, okay, slow your roll. That’s judgment. They’re trying to impose something upon me and trying to control who I am. I’m not gonna have it. I’m not gonna have it the same way as I won’t do that to anybody else.
Darcy:
I think those are things that you’ve defined for you and for your truth, and it’s clearly and uniquely you.
What’s the one small thing that somebody watching this, who recognizes that they need to unleash their swagger, what’s the one small thing someone can do first?
Leslie:
You got to want it. That is the first step because it is a journey. What I tell people is think back to when you were younger, before the world kicked the crap out of you. Back when you were filled with possibilities, excitement, the sense that anything was possible. When you ask any kid, they’ll tell you, they’re awesome, beautiful, smart, amazing, powerful, and they can do anything.
And then life has a way of kicking the crap out of you, taking notches out of your psyche and out of your Swagger when it happens. It’s like boiling a frog, over time, slowly, inexorably, you get to the point one day where you wake up and you go, who am I? How did I get like this? What happened to me?
That’s the place that breaks my heart, when people feel that way. The first thing to do is to remember that you are still that person, that person who you were way back then, when everything was possible, it still is. I’s just that you need to believe it again. You need to reconnect with it again. You need to worry less about what other people want and need and more about what you want and need, because you will end up being more powerful for the greater good. You’ve got to want it. And you’ve got to recognize that you are everything, and that it does not come from the outside. Your Swagger comes from exactly who you are, uniquely you. Only you can manifest your own Swagger. You got to believe it. That’s self-belief baby.
Darcy:
Self-belief! Self-belief!
The book is Swagger. Leslie, where can people find out more about you, and Swagger, the world of the Swagger-lusciousness that you’re putting out there?
Leslie:
You can find me at LeslieEhm.com. You can also check out SWAGGERthebook.com for all things Swaggery and you can buy it on all the platforms. Just look for like a number one or two or three. It’s gonna last me for the moment I get to say that, it’s so exciting.
Darcy:
Awesome! Pick up the book, I always say, purchase of a book is a vote for the author and all the work that they’re putting out into the world. Leslie, thank you so much for being here today and with our folks at Red Cape Revolution. I’m going to work on my Swagger. I’m going to keep drilling through those layers and keep trying to put some Swagger out into the world.
Leslie:
You got to have me back because I want to interview you. I want to do a mic swap.
Darcy:
We will, we will swap it out. I’m sure there’s lots of stories, lots of things in common, but lots of really good stories. And you can watch my Swagger grow too. I appreciate that. High five everybody. Thank you. Thanks, everybody for being here. Take care.
Find out more about Leslie Ehm here.
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